For the first time since the recession started, beer sales in the U.S. are up. Those responsible for the increase will no doubt agree with today's list of the Top Great Things About Drinking Beer.
If you put two cans of it on either side of a plastic helmet with a straw, people will think you're sophisticated.
It's a great beverage to bond with your son over. But wait until the summer. Because third grade requires focus.
Drinking it in high school means you're cool. Drinking it in middle age means you're normal. Drinking it when you're old means you're a hobo.
Without it, who would run 87,000 ads during a three-hour football game?
If you wrap the can in a brown paper bag, nobody will ever suspect you're drinking it.
You can buy it in a 6-pack when you're with a friend, a 12-pack when you're with a group, and a 24-pack when you're alone.
It's packed with so many calories that it's like enjoying cake in a bottle!
If you shake one up and open it, the redneck on the barstool next to you will laugh and laugh. Go ahead, try it!
If you're ever stranded in the woods, drinking all that Keystone Light will have prepared your taste buds for surviving on deer pee.
It's one of two things you can have in common with The Most Interesting Man in the World. The other is sad eyes.
Certain brands offer a taste of Mexico without the threat of getting beheaded.
It helps to numb the pain of your miserable existence.
It's been scientifically proven that the more beer you consume, the more chicks find you handsome and hilarious.
Telling your wife there's "more of you to love" when you get a massive beer belly isn't the LEAST bit depressing or delusional.
Pounding a 12-pack is an extremely effective way to ease the pain of crippling alcoholism.
After you get a liver transplant, you get to spend a week lying in the hospital, eating ice cream and watching "The Price is Right".
It's fun to switch out a wine cooler for a Bud once in a while and try to convince your friends you're straight.
Everyone's awesome. Until they're not anymore and you have to fight them.
Nobody bothers you with difficult questions like they do those sissy wine drinkers.
You can't make a cool pyramid out of wine bottles.
Thanks to blackouts, you're not reliving old memories, you're doing something BRAND NEW!
Drinking a craft-brewed, West Coast style, small batch, cask conditioned IPA is a convenient way to let everybody know you're an elitist hipster!
Playing bourbon-pong would just be silly.
According to commercials, if you and your guy friends are drinking beer, eventually a bunch of hot girls in bikinis show up.
People give up their seats on the bus because they assume you're pregnant.
If an AC/DC song comes on, you have the confidence to sing along at the top of your lungs, even though you only know five of the words.
It's the only thing that helps you tolerate your wife, Reese Witherspoon.
It's fun watching the little mountains on the can turn blue.
If you drink enough of it, you can rest your beer on your beer belly. It's like nature thought of everything!
Drinking PBR goes perfectly with growing an ironic mustache and bragging about bands you liked before everyone knew about them.
It makes a baseball game actually seem interesting.
Beautiful women will suddenly be willing to sleep with you. That is, unless TV commercials are lying.
It's the cause . . . and solution . . . to your marriage problems.
If your day was bad, beer can make it better. And if your day was good . . . beer can make it even better.